Asphodel and Wormwood
by Maria from Ravenclaw
Summary: "Darkness had always hung around Severus, whispering that darkness was where he truly belonged. And that night would be when he finally allowed the darkness outside him to come within him, to consume him." Warning: suicide attempt.


_AN: Written for:  
The Hogwarts School Herbology class – hurt/comfort, include a "first"(I included the first time Lily saw Severus cry), use a plant from the list (I used Asphodel); at least 300 words;  
The Create-a-Potion Challenge – Draught of Peace – moonstone: write about a character making a wish. _

_Word count:2,870_

_Beta'ed by Michy Drarry Shipper._

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Asphodel and Wormwood

The week after his OWLs had been unbearable. And just when he had thought his life could not get any worse, summer came.

By their fifth year, Severus was almost used to his arguments with Lily – they hurt him like nothing else could, but the anguish had become part of his routine. Then, when they got away from Hogwarts, the sun that made even Spinner's End look less gloomy would always persuade the two teenagers to make up.

But that time, not even the sun had been able to fix things between Sev and Lily. Instead, the star had risen every morning to mock Severus with its cheery brightness, while inside the bitter boy it was all dark, grim clouds. Not once had Lily come to blow the clouds away.

Since that horrible day, Severus had been trying to find a way to cope with the absence of Lily in his life: he had tried to focus on his books and drive her out of his mind, he had tried being angry with her for not understanding how Potter messed him up, he had even tried, desperate as he was, to tell himself she really was an unworthy Mudblood. None of that worked.

Severus knew nothing would ever work, because even harder than living without his only true friend was living with regret. It haunted him ceaselessly and mercilessly, like his shadow had been replaced by a Dementor, like his regret and his guilt would swallow him and never let him have any peace. When those phantoms suffocated Severus, he would fight his tears, and as time went by, the battles got harder to win.

When they went back to school, again the unbearable managed to get even worse.

A despicable grin had been carved on Potter's face, and his ludicrous mating rituals – such as tousling his hair – were more obnoxious than ever; Avery, Mulciber and other Slytherins constantly reminded Severus of last term's happenings, congratulating him for what was his most disturbing regret; the rest of the students often shot either a dirty look, an insult or a hex in his direction – his mistake had been too grave to be forgotten over the holidays.

Severus could not stand any of that, but infinitely more excruciating was seeing Lily again. She was cold and distant, and thoroughly ignored him when her determination not to cross his path was not effective (then her Gryffindor friends glared at him, enjoying their new freedom to openly show their dislike towards him in front of Lily).

Occasionally, Severus thought he had seen a pair of melancholy green eyes quickly glance at him, but that was surely his mind playing tricks. Lily would never want to look at him again, the only person who had once cared about him was gone forever, and he was cursed to see her every day, shining far away from him, unattainable – and it was _all his fault_.

Then, he was sure this was bad as it got, but fate turned out to be very sadistic.

It was their first Potions lesson of September, and Professor Slughorn had insisted that Severus and Lily sit together, like they used to, his favourite pair of students. What Professor Slughorn didn't know was that things would never be as they used to, and the old man had only contributed to Severus's grief.

For the first part of the lesson, Slughorn showed his class the contents of three cauldrons sitting in the room. One of them held Amortentia, and Severus was glad his table was well away from it. From where he sat, he caught a whiff of Lily's sweet scent, and it made him feel terrible enough without the illusory ecstasy that the love potion would add to it.

While the teacher spoke about Amortentia, Polyjuice Potion and Veritaserum, neither Severus nor Lily gave any sign of acknowledging each other's presence. Severus was aching to look at his former friend, though, to talk to her now that her glaring comrades were not around, but he knew that would be completely fruitless. There was no place for him in Lily's life.

So, he opened his copy of _Advanced Potion-Making_ to page ten, as they had been instructed, and began reading it. Severus soon became more interested than usual in his textbook. He stared fixedly at the words, and they stared back at him: _brings upon its drinker a powerful sleep that could last indefinitely..._That was an extremely tempting promise.

He tried to shake away the thought, and his eyes proceeded to the list of ingredients. Asphodel. It was a type of lily. That mere word made him want to just curl up and cry, to forget about his own pitiable existence. He could not take it anymore; he needed out of that living hell, and he would seize the chance of escape he was being given.

Severus hurried towards Slughorn's cupboard, and went back to his seat with twice the amount of what he needed. He looked around to check that everyone else was too busy to notice, then furtively slipped the extra ingredients into his bag. Tonight he would sleep more deeply than ever.

However, for the time being, he had to get to work. The potion was a tricky one indeed, but Severus was skilled enough to brew it. Altering the instructions where they were proven inefficient had become second nature to him, and that was what warranted his success.

Not long after Professor Slughorn had congratulated the only student that had successfully accomplished that lesson's task, the bell rung. Severus gazed at his beloved Lily for what would be the last time in his life, but left the dungeon feeling considerably better than before.

oOo

Hogwarts was most unfriendly when everyone was in bed and not even the ghosts were anywhere to be seen. The large rooms, the wide corridors and the tall archways all made Severus dreadfully aware of how small and insignificant he was... And how alone.

The only family he had were a revolting Muggle father and a spineless mother too terrified of her husband to care for her son. The only teacher at Hogwarts who showed the slightest bit of esteem for Severus was Slughorn, who was only concerned with the advantages he might derive from his relationships. And his only friend was the reason he wanted to die in the first place. No one would grieve for him.

Despite the absence of anyone who might catch him, it was with much caution that Severus made his way to an unused, abandoned classroom on the fifth floor. It was so dark he had a bit of difficulty keeping track of where he was going, but he did not cast a Lumos Charm.

Darkness had always been there for him when no one had. When he was a young boy and his parents' fighting became too nightmarish, he would cower in a dark corner of his room; when he first went to Hogwarts and realised his talents were not being valued, he turned to the Dark Arts and dreamed of plunging into them completely.

Darkness had always hung around Severus, whispering that darkness was where he truly belonged. And that night would be when he finally allowed the darkness outside him to come within him, to consume him.

He entered the dimly moonlit classroom, sat on the cold stone floor and placed his potion-making kit, the things he had got from Slughorn and his Potions book in front of him.

Suicide was for cowards. Maybe Severus was a coward – what did pride matter now, anyway? Besides, it could not really be called "suicide" as there would be no actual death involved; it was just sleep. For an instant he entertained the idea that the dark would be comforting and warm, like Lily, but obviously nothing, let alone the dark, could compare to the way Lily made him feel.

He half-hoped that there was the smallest chance she would come after him and stop him. Yet he knew she would not; she did not even know he was there, she had not even noticed how defeated he looked, not even when she was sitting right next to him. And she was right not to notice, not to care, she was right to move on. Lily was a brilliant witch and she had an equally brilliant life ahead of her.

Severus, on the other hand, had been doomed since birth, and Lily would do perfectly fine without him. It was ridiculous how much he needed her, when she would never return the feeling , when she would never return even a fraction of his profound and undying love.

That realisation, the one he had been conspicuously trying to ignore, felt like a stab to his heart. He was no longer able to sustain his strangled silence, and failed to stop himself sobbing – no, _snivelling_.

Severus felt as pathetic as the Marauders made him out to be. Or else, as Potter made him out to be, for Black was just a rebel without a cause and the other two behaved like pushovers. At the end of the day James Potter was alone responsible for the endless tormenting of Severus Snape; it was him who tortured Severus to exhaustion.

And that was who Lily would date, who she would touch, who she would kiss, who she would marry... James Potter was the man on whom Lily would waste her love, the love that Severus deserved above all others and which might have been his, if only he had not thrown away his chances of earning it.

It was with tears running freely down his face that Severus lit a small flame under his cauldron and poured into it the infusion of Wormwood. He held the vial of powdered root of Asphodel tightly, stared at it for some long instants, wondering if _his_ Lily was truly lost forever. She was. He added the second ingredient and stirred.

His hands were unsteady with the effort of trying to keep his crying quiet. He barely managed to finish the last stir and then had to pause. That was so wrong, he should not be brewing the draught that would end his own life, dying should not be his biggest wish! And in fact it was not... Severus did not want to die, not really; he just wished he could go back and change things.

If he could go back in time and prevent himself from saying just one word, everything would be alright again, just _that one word_! He had read about Time-Turners, but there was no way he could get his hands on one, and too much time had passed since _that_ day. The sloth brain fell into his cauldron with a _ploft_.

Severus grabbed his knife with shaking fingers and crushed a Sopophorous bean with the blade. The juice was easily squeezed from the seed and added to the potion. _Advanced Potion-Making_ said only one bean would suffice, but that might not serve Severus's purpose. He hastily wiped at his cheeks and repeated the procedure with a second bean.

The potion was a poisonous shade of purple. Severus's face was soaked again. One clockwise stir for every seventh anticlockwise stir and it turned clear-coloured. It was done. All there was left to do was drink it; no one would try to stop him.

Severus extinguished the fire, filled a flask with the concoction and froze. The most innocent-looking silvery vapour swam placidly in the air around him. It was odourless, but the relaxing sensation Severus got from inhaling it was intense. His tears fell more slowly, and were accompanied only by small sniffs.

Severus was certain that night he would finally find the miraculous peace he had been craving. He closed his eyes. The darkness was silent. Severus raised the flask and held it to his lips.

oOo

The potion never touched his mouth. He heard someone gasp "Sev, no!" and the sound of glass shattering. Severus opened his eyes to find his hand empty, and looking up he saw two frightened emerald orbs twinkling in the dark. That was not happening. She was not real, she was not _there_, she had not just _saved_ him. He was hallucinating, that was the only explanation.

But then Lily knelt beside him and put a hand on his shoulder. That gesture made Severus feel awkwardly open, so that he was rendered unable to retain what little was left of his composure and sobbed painfully.

"Leave," he choked out. He did not want Lily to see him in such a state, and he did not want her to fool him into thinking his life would get better.

"I won't leave, Sev," she assured him firmly. Lily had never seen Severus so distressed – she had never seen him cry at all – and knowing she was to blame for his despair made her desperate to fix things.

"Leave, Lily, let me die..."

Instead of leaving, she pulled him into a tight hug, and Severus's usual nervous reluctance to physical contact had no time to stop her. Lily buried her delicate fingers in his horrendous greasy hair, tenderly stroking it. Severus thought that was not right, but the soothing tingles on his head told him otherwise, and he wanted her to hold him forever.

"I'm sorry, Lily, I didn't mean it, you have to believe it, please..." he said, once his crying has subsided.

"I know, Sev," she whispered. "I forgive you."

Those three words lifted an enormous burden from Severus's shoulders. He replayed them in his head a thousand times in the following seconds, to make sure they had really been spoken. Nevertheless, he was about to deny himself the relief of believing Lily had actually forgiven him when she repeated "I forgive you, Sev, it's okay. You really scared me..."

"I thought you wouldn't mind."

"Severus! You're my friend, of course I would mind!" interjected Lily in disbelief.

"You didn't sound like you still wanted me as your friend last term," Severus attempted to put on a cold tone, but it ended up as dejected.

"You're right..." said Lily guiltily. "I was hurt. But I shouldn't have abandoned you like that. I'm sorry, Sev."

"It's alright."

"Friends again?" Lily asked.

"Friends again."

For some moments silence reigned again, but it was entirely different to the haunting silence from before. This new quietness was comfortable, warm, filled with Lily's miraculous touch.

Both teenagers suddenly felt very tired, and found it difficult to organise their thoughts, but then Severus's mind was crossed by a particularly stubborn question.

"Lily?"

"What is it, Sev?" replied Lily, with pure kindness in her voice.

"How did you find me?"

"Remus helped me," she admitted.

Severus raised his head, frowning. "Remus? Remus Lupin?" he questioned.

"Don't be angry," she begged. "He was the only person I could think of who didn't... you know..."

"Hate me," he finished for her under his voice. Lily gave a small sigh.

"He lent me this enchanted map of his, and when I saw you out of bed I came after you."

Lily knew the map was not just Remus's, and she wanted to tell Severus how impressed she was by its magic, but that was obviously not the time to praise the Marauders.

"Why did you think there was anything wrong? You know I like to sneak out at night..."

Lily almost smiled at the memories escaping the Gryffindor Common Room after curfew to explore Hogwarts with Severus.

"You've looked upset the whole week, Sev," she answered. "Plus, I saw the way you stared at your book in Potions today, and saw you steal Professor Slughorn's ingredients, too."

So she had not been as unstirred as Severus had imagined. He relished the discovery that Lily had not stopped caring about him, but then something completely different occurred to him.

"Does Lupin know all that?"

"No. I told him I was worried about you, but I didn't say why," explained Lily truthfully, although she was aware that someone as observant as Remus knew her reasons perfectly well.

That satisfied Severus, however, and he sank back into Lily.

Lily's eyelids felt sticky, and her head seemed so heavy it might fall from her neck. Through her closing eyes, she saw that Severus was affected similarly, and smiled at the sight of her best friend nearly falling asleep in her arms.

"I'm so – so sleepy," she said with a big yawn.

"It's the potion," murmured Severus. "We'd better get rid of it before it causes serious damage."

Now that Lily was there, the poison that was going to end his life seemed quite trivial and harmless – as innocent as its dancing vapour made it look. Lily, however, shuddered slightly when she pointed her wand at it.

"_Evanesco,"_ she whispered, making an effort to concentrate on the charm in spite of her sleepiness. With that, the potion vanished from the cauldron and Severus's sorrows seemed to have gone away along with it.

Lily snuggled even closer to Severus. They leaned against the wall, finding its hardness strangely welcoming, and the pair of friends drifted off into a tranquil slumber. Everything would be alright again.

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_AN: Don't forget to review! :)_


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